I am in all white today...don't ask me why... maybe it's because I was feeling colourless and moody and it was just a reflection of the emptiness in my heart. I am living life on a see-saw. I don't care anymore that people will read my blog and wonder what's the matter with me. In fact I don't care about anything at the moment. I am on with my regular banter in office, smiling at people, saying the chirpy good-mornings- but I don't feel any of it. It's as if, nothing can touch me- good or bad. People used to say that I am a happy person- and I was; I was a happy person-whatever that means. I was normally a smiling, happy, cheerful person. I can still put up that act- it's not that difficult to fool people, but I wonder if I really care anymore.
My dad used to say that I have a "million dollar smile"...but that seems like a million years ago, in a country far far away. Last night I thought I'll run away- run away home and just lie on my mom's lap and let her tell me that everything's gonna be ok. But I know I can't do that, I can't make her feel that her little girl has given up on life and is drowning. I guess I'm just gonna have to struggle alone and save myself (and it has to be before this weekend, when I'm going home). All I'm worried about is that parents can read the sorrow in your eyes and so far she hasn't been able to feel the catch in my voice, but I don't know what she will see reflected in my eyes...
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