Random random random thoughts...

Maine itni baar samjhaya hai...ki never take life easily...if you think it's a simple game you are dead... The moment you let the guard down or think that you are in a winning position- uve already lost... but my concern is that why should we take on life as if it were a challenge or an opponent whom we have to beat..? Shouldn't it be more like a a nice pleasant journey or something? Then why does it feel like it were a foe- trying very hard to get you down.

If I had wings, I would fly

Ever thought what it would feel like to fly like a bird? Came really close to it yesterday...one of the most exhilarating experiences one could have- Paragliding in Kamshet

But, if you're expecting to feel nervous or to get that huge scary rush of adrenalin, well you won't- at least not in the tandem ride that I ventured for...it is more like a peaceful flight...and since the pilot behind you does all the work- you get to just relax and enjoy the flight...just feel the wind on your face and look down at the tiny houses and the field and lakes...you can also see little birds flying on top of the trees :)
After waiting for hours for the wind to be just right, I finally got to take off late in the evening- with the setting sun in the background. Those 10 mins must have been the calmest moments I've had in a looooooooooonnnnggg time...I was grinning so much, my jaws were hurting by the time I landed...

It was like I was just floating in the wind and it could carry me off wherever it wanted to... Thankfully, the pilot behind me was also completely quiet and I could just take in everything... Surprisingly, I had thought that once I fly, I would be screaming and enjoying- but I was actually completely awestruck and silent.

Now I know why people from ages, have been trying to learn to fly... am only glad I got to experience something so awesome... :)

Yajnaseni

These days I'm reading a book called "Yajnaseni" (read: Yagnaseni)- which, as the name suggests- is about Draupadi. She speaks about her childhood, marriage to the five warriors, love for Arjun, insult, dharma, Life...

What I like about the book is that it has thrown her in a completely different light. She talks about her dilemma, pain and anguish at having to unite with 5 different men on each different night. How she loves only Arjun, but has to be true to her other husbands from heart, mind and body. She cannot commit the adharm of thinking of another man while in one husband's arms.

One part was worth thinking- she says that most kings in Aryavart have more than 1 wife, and each night they all dress up and look their best so that the King would desire her and come to her chamber that night. But in her case, it's not as if the 5 brothers will be trying their best to woo her. On the other hand, every night she has to transform herself according to which husband's night it is and satisfy him and make sure that he is happy. Don't get me wrong- I am not talking about the physical aspect alone- it is much more than that. When she is with Yudhishtir, she has to be well-learned, wise and follow dharma. With Bhim- she has to cook, make him feel happy and press his legs or he threatens to return to his demon wife Hidimba...

The irony of it all is that she knows that, for generations to come, people will mock her, insult her and make jokes. And surprisingly, when I mentioned this book to a friend- he immediately came up with a joke about gloves being condoms for the Pandavas. Sigh..

It will be a really long time before this Yajnaseni- who came out of the sacrificial fire to fight injustice- gets any justice in history. The day people stop saying that Draupadi was the cause of the Mahabharata (just like Sita was the cause of the war in the Ramayana!!), she will get her redemption.

I'm getting senti :(

I was reading my year book a few days back and got totally sad. Well, not totally sad, but more like a mixed feeling of happy cum sad. Happy, for all the great times and sad because it's over. Everyone has written such nice stuff about each other. Each person's page is his identity- it speaks volumes about what his friends/batch mates think about him. And it was just so sweet. There was a certain vigour and life about K which I miss. Kuchh na kuchh chalta hi rehta tha...sigh. And I miss all my friends and all the fun/ bakar that we did... siiggghhh!

An Ode to my Feminism

Well allrite, this is not really an ode...but I liked the sound of that :D

Hmmm..so the topic of my concern is my feminism- I'm worried that it's becoming more than just an issue that I am concerned about. It is becoming more like a way of life for me. I get worked up about things which other people feel are non issues. I have often been tagged the head of all mahila-mukti morcha groups. Most of the books at my bed side would deal with women, children, harassment, violence etc. The last 3 books that I have read are-
In the Name of Honour- Mukhtar Mai
Lajja- Taslima Nasrin
Bitter Chocolate- Pinki Virani
I get concerned about where society is headed and the way men think. I often get into discussions (read arguments) about rape, punishment, marriage, sexual harassment etc. I sometimes get paranoid about things like- "What if my husband turns out to be a wife beater!"

And what is sad is that I must confess, I have not really taken any proactive steps to contribute to the cause in any positive manner. Yes, the thought has been there for quite some time now, but so what? Thoughts that are not converted into actions, just remain what they are- random thoughts.

But basically my initial concern still remains- have I crossed that thin line between being sensitive and being an extremist?

washing machine inside my tummy..!

My stomach is very upset. As you can read the title of this post- it feels like my tummy is a washing machine and it's going roun' n roun'. And that everything inside is being shaken up.

There is a bee inside my head and it's going zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz which can be really irritating when you are trying to get some work done! (Though I've given up trying now :D)

My eyes feel they are going to fall out of their sockets, if I don't hold them in (by shutting my eyes)

So basically, on the whole I feel like a mess...and my hair has gone back to its horrible curly state again..which is further cause of distress to me...

Isi baat pe ek sher yaad aa gayi- heard it just yesterday- (I'm not sure about how applicable it is- but here goes--

Dil ke chhalon pe koi sher kahe to kya kahein,
Dil ke chhalon pe koi sher kahe to kya kahein,
Takleef to tab hoti hai,
Jab log wah-wah kartey hain.

Back on the topic of love

Am back after a long time. Got a much-needed break at home and am back in office now (with loads of backlog!). Got this fwd from a friend, called "Romantic things to do with your loved one". Generally I find these fwds to be really stupid and senti stuff, but this one was really cute. So I thought I'll just pick up the ones I liked the best and put them here...

Things like- watching the sunset together...whispering to each other...Cooking for him/her....walking in the rains, hand in hand :)
Roses...hugs (the universal medicine)...dancing together....making excuses to call every 5 mins :D
Brushing her hair out of her face for her(tis a pity girls can't do the same)...falling asleep while on the phone with each other...

All those of you who have ever been in love, who hope to be in love and those who are in love... go and make that someone-special feel special today :)

Don't care no more....

I am in all white today...don't ask me why... maybe it's because I was feeling colourless and moody and it was just a reflection of the emptiness in my heart. I am living life on a see-saw. I don't care anymore that people will read my blog and wonder what's the matter with me. In fact I don't care about anything at the moment. I am on with my regular banter in office, smiling at people, saying the chirpy good-mornings- but I don't feel any of it. It's as if, nothing can touch me- good or bad. People used to say that I am a happy person- and I was; I was a happy person-whatever that means. I was normally a smiling, happy, cheerful person. I can still put up that act- it's not that difficult to fool people, but I wonder if I really care anymore.

My dad used to say that I have a "million dollar smile"...but that seems like a million years ago, in a country far far away. Last night I thought I'll run away- run away home and just lie on my mom's lap and let her tell me that everything's gonna be ok. But I know I can't do that, I can't make her feel that her little girl has given up on life and is drowning. I guess I'm just gonna have to struggle alone and save myself (and it has to be before this weekend, when I'm going home). All I'm worried about is that parents can read the sorrow in your eyes and so far she hasn't been able to feel the catch in my voice, but I don't know what she will see reflected in my eyes...

You know how I feel today? I feel that I am at a threshold, or at the edge of a cliff. My elastic has been stretched and it seems that someone is holding it at just the right length. If it is pulled even a teeny-tiny bit more, it's gonna snap. It gives me a curious feeling- the fear that I am precariously close to falling down the cliff, as well as the curiosity to find out how it will feel to spiral down.

If anything goes wrong today (though there's no reason why anything should- but just in case...) or if the pressure increases further or if someone says something to me- I am so gonna break down... But I like to think of this as a challenge- and see if I can maybe pull a little more :D I seem to get this masochistic pleasure in seeing myself like this- at the end of my wits. When your mind can't take it any more and your body is giving up, but until the heart doesn't give up- I am not going to let the first two bow out so soon...


The war is on :P

Sigh...

Today I am in a wierd mood. I am feeling a deluge of mixed emotions- happiness, calmness, excitement, enthusiasm, boredom, tiredness- you could say I am a chalta-firta oxymoron :) Actually these feelings are a direct result of my hectic weekend, the lack of sleep, tired muscles and an almost flat ass (the result of all that biking :D). At the same time I am looking fwd to the week, plan to totally freak out, stretch the elastic, see how far I can go...

I have a race against time and am definitely going to win the race (and no I am NOT going to be the tortoise- I'll simply be the hare; but won't fall asleep). I am going to squeeze time and basically "drink life to the lees"... and now that I have quoted Tennyson, I might as well put in a small para from Ulysses- one of the most inspirational poetry for me~

I am a part of all that I have met;
Yet all experience is an arch wherethro'
Gleams that untravell'd world whose margin fades
For ever and for ever when I move.

How dull it is to pause, to make an end,
To rust unburnish'd, not to shine in use!
As tho' to breathe were life! Life piled on life
Were all too little, and of one to me
Little remains; but every hour is saved
From that eternal silence, something more,
A bringer of new things; and vile it were
For some three suns to store and hoard myself,
And this gray spirit yearning in desire
To follow knowledge like a sinking star,
Beyond the utmost bound of human thought.

Re-look at the previous post

I read Neeta's comment on my previous post (right below), and I suddenly realised that my office isn't all that bad either. I keep cribbing about little things in office like, "There's no canteen", "Food sucks", "It's like a bloody PSU at times", "I don't feel like working" etc.

But I just suddenly stopped and thought that if I could turn back time today and go back to campus and decide once more among the two offers I had, would I take Goldman Sachs over L&T? Do I regret my decision of taking up this job instead of that? Or rather, if I got that offer again today, would I leave this job? Well, I'm glad to say that the answer is no :) I am very happy working here, with all these people who have become quasi-family, who I look fwd to meeting everyday :)

Ami- She's almost exactly like I was, when I first went to K- bilkul seedhi saadhi, gharelu types, pampered and protected :D (Have already brought her on the path of change :P)
Vidya- If I don't chat with her on IP and do some girl-talk, din achha nahi jata :D
Manju- The major bakar that we do on the way to and from office is the best time of the day for me. I think only I can match her enthu and craziness :))
Sandhya- The quintessential late-comer, she comes and goes with awesome style and attitude :P Her favourite quote: "Whatever"
Anil- He's the only Punjabi I've met who likes South Indian cuisine
Nilesh- He's the pakka gujju bhai, who fasts on 3 (?) days of the week! Also the Excell Bond and the guy who says, "Idhar aao mere paas" :)) (That too in a sealed IP Msg :P)

Lessons in the Corporate world

'Tis amazing how, even though I am soo busy, I still manage to give my two-pennies worth of thoughts in this little space. I keep learning new things everyday at work; some of which I like to share with junta.

The first one goes like this- Don't call people Sir/Ma'am. You are not in college anymore and these people are not your professors. At the same time, do not use first names, if the age difference if stark. Also, refrain from using short forms or abbreviations like DD, NS etc. Finally, after I ran out of options, I came to the conclusion that the best way to address someone is by their surname- for example, Mr. Vishwanath or a Mrs. Sinha.

Keep a polite distance with people, get friendly but not personal- and for the first time I'm gonna say this out aloud, "You don't make friends at office. You only network and make business relations". Stay polite and affable with people, that's all that's required.

And this one's for all the females out there- "Beware of a female boss." Somehow I realise that as women rise higher in the corporate ladder, either they get insecure or it goes to their head. And I don't know what's the reason, but they don't take well to young females who join their teams/depts. Esp. if you're smart, talented and have an IIM degree (that's me, btw :D), they somehow act weird and unfriendly. And actually, the senior men in the organisation will be more helpful and kind to you. (Ya sure, your looks might have something to do with it :D)

So well, that was all I had for the moment. More on this later :)

Ciao.

Who is John Galt?

I read Atlas Shrugged when I was very young. I was at the age of fiction and I wonder how or why I managed to pick up a novel like that. Well, to say the least, I was very disappointed with it. Apart from the basic plot and a bit of the philosophy I frankly didn't get the rest of it. And I found the book to be over hyped. (Same with Fountainhead- I couldn't bring myself to finish it also, coz i found it just too stupid.)

Well today I think I understand and relate to the book much more, esp. coming from a place like Calcutta, where the "looters and moochers" are abundant ;)

Umm, also on a completely different note I like the concept of the title- Atlas Shrugged. Sometimes you do get the feeling that Atlas should just shrug and let it all go- give the world a big shake. This could be true of anything- study groups on campus, teams at the workplace, a family, a relationship.

I am esp. enamoured by the whole secrecy about John Galt and the last part of the novel - where he creates his own world. Aisa hi ego hona chahiye and guts to say that, "I will stop the motor of the world"...

The day I become the CEO of L&T, some heads are going to roll..! Watch out!

Happy, chirpy, bubbly...

Ya, that's how I feel today- happy. You know how you get a nice warm feeling in your heart- the feeling of serenity, of calmness and of well-being. The feeling that things are ok, life hasn't turned out all that bad and that you are loved.

Sometimes you have to let go...try not to hold on to life too much...not try and control it all the time. Some people say that I always carry a pair of scissors- ready to snip away those parts of my life, which are not going according to My plans...sigh...It's true!

But..! Someone compared me to a little bird some days back... actually a little sparrow, to be precise...hehehee :) I was told that I am sounding all chirpy (whatever that means) :) It's just that I have got this nice warmth after a really long time in Mumbai and am trying very hard to hold on to it (yet again :D)...I just hope that it lasts the day..no no..I'm not gonna be such a pessimist..I hope it lasts atleast 2 days :P