When you really really need someone to be there- you'll find yourself all alone. Believe me... you'll not find a single friend online... most people will be busy and other won't pick up the phone... ! When you need a friend- believe me, there will be none. So my suggestion is that just be your own friend! Don't expect the world to stand by you when you're down and out. 

Emosanal Atyachar

Sometimes I like being melancholy... I don't know what it is about this feeling.. but sometimes you just enjoy feeling this weird mixture of sadness, nostalgia, pain... and somehow it feels nice.. I don't know why but it feels nice.. maybe I'm the only one who likes this feeling? 

To make it clear, I'm not wallowing in self-pity or crying my eyes out... I'm just feeling like you feel on a rainy day... when the sky is cloudy and you feel lazy and somehow old memories stir up from some corner of your brain... :D

You just like listening to songs that you know have a certain effect on you... you like looking at old pictures of family and friends...some people like having a nice strong whiskyand a nice comfi sofa to be in...sigh...I don't even know what I'm saying or what I'm about to type... it's nice... weird but nice...

p.s. In K's words, "Such is life. Tougher than we ever imagined it would be...makes you wish you'd never grown up and could stay a kid for life, eh?"

I am down in bed with viral and am feeling very very miserable. I wanna go out and have fun. I wanna sing and dance. I wanna go swimming, I wanna party....(pout). It's not like I was actually doing all this stuff when I was fit, but just the fact that I can't do all this stuff angers me.

Btw, I've been trying to go get up in the morning (6 am!) to go swimming and have failed miserably the whole of last week. And my mom wakes up every morning and asks me, "Did you go swimming today?" with a wicked glint in her eyes- because she knows I haven't! As soon as I am out of bed first thing I'm going to do is buy a new costume (to give me an incentive :P) and then I'm going back into the water :)

I know I want to write something... but I don't know what I'm writing.... I just want to blabber away... I just want someone with whom I can share everything... someone who I can trust completely...someone who wont judge me... someone who will say, "It's ok". Gosh, I can't believe you could ever feel so alone in life!

Black.

There are times in life when you get a reality check. I have very recently come to know that there is someone out there, who Hates me...!! Seriously! This person has left me an anonymous message telling me that I will go to hell..! And it kinda disturbed me. Mainly because of 2 reasons-

1) I never thought that there could be someone who Actually hates me! I mean, sure I'm not saying that everyone has to love me coz I'm so great blah blah blah...but I thought that I'm definitely not someone who you'd hate (and that too, so deeply as to leave me a message like that!)

2)The other reason why I got a li'l harried was that the person did not have the guts to leave his name. Which could mean that he is either a coward or a really slimy character~ and I think it's really imp to be careful of both these kind of people.

Ummm...I don't know if there are any more people out there who hate me/dislike me~ maybe for certain actions of mine, maybe certain words spoken. I just know that I act on my instincts and do what I feel is right at the moment. Maybe my actions can backfire or maybe they were just the right thing to do ~ I don't know and I am not the one to judge. I believe in just listening to what my heart says. And then if you feel that you just have to do something, well then you gotta do what you gotta do...

I don't know why I'm feeling so agitated... am scared, tired, hesitant, silent.... I don't know why....
Have not spoken to anyone or said anything....bas subah se kaam mei hi laga hua hai....yet my mind refuses to calm down... Don't even know what is disturbing me, it's just that weird feeling that something really horrible is about to happen...

Random random random thoughts...

Maine itni baar samjhaya hai...ki never take life easily...if you think it's a simple game you are dead... The moment you let the guard down or think that you are in a winning position- uve already lost... but my concern is that why should we take on life as if it were a challenge or an opponent whom we have to beat..? Shouldn't it be more like a a nice pleasant journey or something? Then why does it feel like it were a foe- trying very hard to get you down.

I'm getting senti :(

I was reading my year book a few days back and got totally sad. Well, not totally sad, but more like a mixed feeling of happy cum sad. Happy, for all the great times and sad because it's over. Everyone has written such nice stuff about each other. Each person's page is his identity- it speaks volumes about what his friends/batch mates think about him. And it was just so sweet. There was a certain vigour and life about K which I miss. Kuchh na kuchh chalta hi rehta tha...sigh. And I miss all my friends and all the fun/ bakar that we did... siiggghhh!

washing machine inside my tummy..!

My stomach is very upset. As you can read the title of this post- it feels like my tummy is a washing machine and it's going roun' n roun'. And that everything inside is being shaken up.

There is a bee inside my head and it's going zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz which can be really irritating when you are trying to get some work done! (Though I've given up trying now :D)

My eyes feel they are going to fall out of their sockets, if I don't hold them in (by shutting my eyes)

So basically, on the whole I feel like a mess...and my hair has gone back to its horrible curly state again..which is further cause of distress to me...

Isi baat pe ek sher yaad aa gayi- heard it just yesterday- (I'm not sure about how applicable it is- but here goes--

Dil ke chhalon pe koi sher kahe to kya kahein,
Dil ke chhalon pe koi sher kahe to kya kahein,
Takleef to tab hoti hai,
Jab log wah-wah kartey hain.

Don't care no more....

I am in all white today...don't ask me why... maybe it's because I was feeling colourless and moody and it was just a reflection of the emptiness in my heart. I am living life on a see-saw. I don't care anymore that people will read my blog and wonder what's the matter with me. In fact I don't care about anything at the moment. I am on with my regular banter in office, smiling at people, saying the chirpy good-mornings- but I don't feel any of it. It's as if, nothing can touch me- good or bad. People used to say that I am a happy person- and I was; I was a happy person-whatever that means. I was normally a smiling, happy, cheerful person. I can still put up that act- it's not that difficult to fool people, but I wonder if I really care anymore.

My dad used to say that I have a "million dollar smile"...but that seems like a million years ago, in a country far far away. Last night I thought I'll run away- run away home and just lie on my mom's lap and let her tell me that everything's gonna be ok. But I know I can't do that, I can't make her feel that her little girl has given up on life and is drowning. I guess I'm just gonna have to struggle alone and save myself (and it has to be before this weekend, when I'm going home). All I'm worried about is that parents can read the sorrow in your eyes and so far she hasn't been able to feel the catch in my voice, but I don't know what she will see reflected in my eyes...

You know how I feel today? I feel that I am at a threshold, or at the edge of a cliff. My elastic has been stretched and it seems that someone is holding it at just the right length. If it is pulled even a teeny-tiny bit more, it's gonna snap. It gives me a curious feeling- the fear that I am precariously close to falling down the cliff, as well as the curiosity to find out how it will feel to spiral down.

If anything goes wrong today (though there's no reason why anything should- but just in case...) or if the pressure increases further or if someone says something to me- I am so gonna break down... But I like to think of this as a challenge- and see if I can maybe pull a little more :D I seem to get this masochistic pleasure in seeing myself like this- at the end of my wits. When your mind can't take it any more and your body is giving up, but until the heart doesn't give up- I am not going to let the first two bow out so soon...


The war is on :P